after ten days of being on the road in sunny california, i am now back comfy and cozy in my juneau home. i am #blessed to be able to see new places through my job and represent a place i love but a) it gets lonely and b) it's absolutely exhausting: flying, driving from city to city, unpacking only to repack luggage as you go from hotel to hotel, college fairs, etc. as i interact with students in a high energy situation, my mind is constantly thinking about the things that i could be doing better when interacting with prospective students: was i too energetic for them? was i too mellow for them? did i answer their question? should i have said that differently? do i talk to them on a professional or casual level? i need to remember to follow up with student 'x' on subject 'y'. aside from the chaos, i had the opportunity to talk with some super solid rad people. in between fairs and driving, i had a little bit of time to explore joshua tree national park and the classic san francisco golden gate bridge (on my way to john muir national monument). john muir woods was insane. i hated that i had to pay $10 for an entrance fee and an additional $1 for the trail map for i had become a player in the commodification of nature. is it really nature if you're paying to be in it and being surrounded by women walking on the wooded boardwalks in their heels, designer bags, and slouchy cream sweaters with their hair done perfectly and a smart water in hand? or the men in their loafers, v-neck sweaters, and ray bans? (i was being judgmental (again) when i had no right to be). i was passing people to get off the boardwalk and to the ben johnson trail i so desperately want to hike, people were staring. maybe it was a result of my appearance: norts (nike shorts), tennis shoes, messy braid from the day before, fanny pack, backpack, and skin the color of a crustacean. needless to say, we were in two very different categories. it was a beautiful hike (about 5 miles) with a lot of elevation gain. the middle opened up to this beautiful meadow on mt. tam overlooking the pacific and parts of san fran. the sky was blue, birds were singing, and wild grass surrounded me. walking through the meadow was almost euphoric: dodging little lizards on the path, dancing with the butterflies, and breathing in the fresh air. during much of my driving (from middle cal, to socal, to norcal) i was taken aback by the drastic geographical changes and the immense beauty of the state i had previously felt indifferent about. i wanted to run through the mountains on the side of the highway. i wanted to taste the sweet fermented grapes at local vineyards. i wanted to sit in the desert and wait for nightfall and number the stars. i wanted to dig my toes in the sand off the pacific coast highway as the ocean roared with its secrets and stories. i wanted to know the story of the exuberant woman who sold me my donut: what fills her heart with confetti and what saddens it. i wanted more. but, i am so thankful for the time i did have to explore in the 1.5 days off of work i did have, and the little bit i could do via car from place to place. i did manage a donut tour, which was pretty rad. i was able to meet up with family in San Diego and a few friends along the way. most importantly though, i began to better understand what it means to be a woman of God and an active pursuer of His heart. in this bible study i'm doing, which i may have mentioned earlier, i'm learning more about the remarkable women in the Old Testament. women who have sacrificed so much to serve our Father and ultimately bring glory to the Kingdom: Noah's wife, Sarah, Hagar, Leah, Rachel, Shiphrah, Puah, Jochebed, Miriam, Rahab, Deborah, Jael, and Naomi. women who have been sneaky sneaks and did things for their glory and desires. but it's apparent that God used them even though they were in sin: Eve, Lot's wife, Rebekah, Potiphar's wife, and Delilah. (of course there are many more--these are just the ones i've really focused on thus far). through these women and their stories, my relationship with God has become a bit more vibrant. i want what He wants and i want for my heart to beat in sync with His. the common theme from all of them is that God restored them, He made them new again. at the end of her story, Rahab was no longer a prostitute named Rahab but rather she was labeled by His grace (Romans 6:14). God knew that Rebekah would manipulate her own story, one about God's sovereignty and our own will. He knew that she would dupe Isaac. like Rebekah, He knows that we are sinners and yet, He chooses us. His plan is good. His plan is the reason for all. one of the most interesting stories in the Bible that i could read over and over again, is the story of Samson and Delilah. a story of deep love. a story of betrayal. Delilah would receive 1100 pieces of silver from each individual to betray Samson, a judge of Israel. Samson, time and time again, would falsely tell Delilah where his weakness lay only for her to then report back to the Philistines whom would then ambush him. eventually, Samson does truthfully share his source of strength with Delilah and he is defeated by the Philistines. (Judges 16) later on, we will see Judas betray Jesus for the price of 30 pieces of silver. she reads truth proposed this question: what lights my eyes and feels worth forsaking my savior? after thinking about this for a while i concluded that it's things that B.C. allie found appealing and saw life in: taking a casual hit at a party, taking one more shot, pushing boundaries with my body, peace corps, social stances, and other things of this world. i am then reminded of Lot's wife, a woman who looked back on the sin God was redeeming her from in Sodom. as a result of disobeyed His command, she became a pillar of salt. we must not look back on our former darkness but instead, run into the Light. we must not lose sight of the reason we were sent to serve like Samson did or do what it takes to get our way like Delilah--betraying the one we love. instead, we must be ready for to be used by God at any time--our minds open and our hearts rooted in His triumph so that we may bear fruit. let us trust that, like in the stories of the Old Testament, God is at work--even though we may not always be able to see it. even though we may always want more than what He has given us, it is important to trust that He is preparing us for more. i pray for you, sweet reader. i pray that your heart is open to His plan. that you can continue to walk in the Light, and not look back--especially in moments when you feel He is not working. may you trust in Him, just the way that some of these women did. if you don't know Him, i encourage you to take a bold step and read one of the gospels. ask Him to search your heart, for you are oh so loved and dudes, He has some amazing things planned for your life. have a beautiful day! xoxo -A