hello! being a few days shy of the big 2-4 i've been doing a lot of reflection. where was i ten years ago, five years ago, two years ago, a year ago? and where do i want to be? for those of you who know me well, know that i often change my course. hopping from one crazy plan to the next. but here's the thing. i want to be where the Lord is leading me. with that in mind, i think it's time that i share my love story with Jesus with you, dear reader. a love story that began march 18 of '93 when He breathed life into my little body. a love story that i had no idea i was in or wanted any part of until 2014. this is the story of allie B.C and allie A.D: i grew up relatively privileged in the burbs of wisconsin. i have a younger sister and soon to be brother-in-law, and my parents are still together. i had a rockin’ relationship with my immediate family: we took road trips, spent summers at our cabin, had family dinners, played monopoly (which often resulted in me crying), and shared a lot of laughs. i was a stellar student from kindergarten and on -- made honor roll, an avid reader, tutor, athlete, yearbook editor, and the neighborhood babysitter. i had dreams of becoming a peace corps volunteer, teaching in south america, and...married by the time I was 24. i saw no flaw in the plan i had mapped out for myself. LOL--God did. He wasn’t in it. i believed in God, sure. however, my understanding of a relationship with Him was way off. first communion only happened because it would have meant a lot to my grandpa, who had passed away the year before. to me, it meant that I would have a party and get money to buy a playstation. the actual act of communion to me meant that i could drink wine every sunday as a minor. sunday school was torturous. everyone was grumpy and seemingly impatient. one morning as we were preparing for communion, our class was sitting in a dark room with uncomfortably dim lighting. we were all on the floor sitting cross legged staring up at our teacher who had just covered her arms in oatmeal. she said something and then smoothly wiped it off--and there were no remains of the gross muck on her skin. turns out, it was symbolic of Jesus’ ability to heal all things. in this case, it was leprosy. but all I saw was a teacher covered in oatmeal and was thoroughly disgusted. during mass, the Lord’s prayer was a nightmare. on one side, i'd have the clammy hand of a stranger and on the other, i'd have the tight squeeze of my cousin. needless to say, i was not fond of church. at some point, it was no longer a priority which meant it was an option. naturally as a small child i chose baseball and basketball games, sleepovers, and sleep over church. my family and i became creasters--only attending church on christmas and easter. on the outside, my young self was thriving and loving life. on the inside though, i felt like the child who would never be enough:
not athletic enough
not petite enough
not brace enough
not successful enough
not smart enough to go to the college i wanted to
the feeling of inadequacy was only beginning to grow. for a while, i used it as ammunition as i strived to be enough. 2011 i started college at the university of wisconsin - eau claire. this is also when I was turned off by a lot of campus ministries. their outreach seemed ingenuine and there was a lot of hypocrisy between the masses. but my life was good, so I didn’t really need a relationship with Jesus. i believed in God, i was a good human being, that was enough. i was connected to campus instantly: a math tutor, played on our ultimate team, a reading partner, three exchanges, a missions trip, campus ambassador, and be an RA for 3.5 years. it all sounds great, right? well, it wasn’t. because of my varying leadership roles, i had become a master pretender. hiding my hurt behind my smile. no one knew what was actually going on or the heaviuness I was feeling. 2012 seems to be the year that allie's empire had crumbled in regards to all aspects of my life. i began as an RA, things with family fell apart, and i saw no value in myself. as an RA, you take on a huge role. a role that means individuals will confide in you with anything and everything. my heart broke a little more each time one of the girls would recount the moments leading up to being black out drunk that they didn’t know where their bruises came from, an eating disorder, a decline in mental health and suicidal thoughts, drugs, breakups, and the stress of being a freshman in college. or moments when a wasp in the room was tormenting them or they needed a new lightbulb. i loved each of them so much, that i was harboring their sorrows. that same year satan seemed to have a foothold in my perfect family as darkness was looming. the intensity and ache in my heart was growing as choices were made that would change our family life forever. i was crying myself to sleep and eating my feelings (not a good year for my body). i felt like I had no one to talk to. there were a few people i confided in and revealed parts of my heart that i was afraid to expose. people that i would have done anything for at any time of day. trying my best to let them know they were loved. however, it turns out that any issue i would bring up was turned back to them and their own emotional state. i didn't want to be walked over any more so i trained myself to be closed off and to stop trusting. at this point, i had gone on my missions trip and started pursuing God a bit more and seeking a relationship with Jesus: reading my Bible, praying fervently, and asking questions. however, i was still seeing the hypocrisy that turned me away from being a devout Christian the moment i got to college. if my Christian friends didn’t see me as valuable or couldn’t get passed the sin in my life, how could God? pursuing His heart resulted in waking up to demonic forces in my room--lurking in the corner with their odor lingering, paralyzing my body, and breathing nightmares into my life. i had been tempted by sin more than ever before. to no surprise, i gave into it. started smoking weed, low-key on the verge of an eating disorder, was numb, had a hardened heart, and pushed boundaries with my body. i thought I could find love and wholeness through my new hobbies. there was no fulfillment. instead, there was conviction. guilt. and more heartbreak. Jesus was calling me to His arms. would i run to them? i had to decide: am i going to stay in control, give in to the dark that was consuming me or let Jesus take the wheel? i was reluctant at first, but i put my hands up, worries down. He was in control now. i had a new hunger in my Spirit: I started attending Lifegroup back home, participating in Bible studies, going to church, etc. i was so much happier. but i still had (and have) a long ways to go. i was a little baby Christian who still had a lot of questions and was still holding on to parts of her old self. so there are four pivotal moments leading up to where i am now: my trip to nicaragua, a prayer, saying no to PC, and Ephesians 5:12-14. as graduation was approaching, i didn’t know what to do. i was receiving a bachelor’s of arts in spanish and intercultural communications. like...what does that even mean? unsure of where I was going, without seeking council from the Counselor, i went on an immersion trip to nicaragua to learn about the feminist movement. it was here when i first really felt the Lord challenging me in all my beliefs. our trip was a group of about 14 wild and incredible women. we often were found with toña in hand. we were meeting with groups of people who had been ousted from their churches because of their sexual orientation or decisions to get an abortion after a sexual assault. i believe the enemy was using this setting to get in my head and pull me from Jesus. i was isolated from other Christians and had no one to ask my questions to. one of the days we were coming back on the ferry from an incredible weekend on one of the islands. a group of nicaraguans had walked on the boat with a variety of instruments, loud laughter, and staring down this group of chelitas. they then began singing. at first i didn’t pick up on what they were saying but then as i tuned in, they were worshipping the Lord. my heart and spirit started to dance. it was exactly what i needed. the Spirit was working inside of me and pushed me to go talk to this group of people. i was terrified: "nah, i'm not going to do it. i'm fine just sitting here." He continued to press, "really, i'm ok napping." well, i lost that battle. so here is this grungy white girl approaching a group of beautiful nicaraguans with my nerves trembling. i nervously started talking to them, they were wide eyed and probably taken aback. i then told them i was a Christian and asked if i could hear their testimony. they each shared it with me and then it was my turn. i had never given my testimony, let alone IN SPANISH. i panicked, naturally, and nervously started my story. it was incredible how the Spirit had brought the exact words that i needed to mind. words that my ten years of class could not have taught me. we all prayed together and it was phenomenal. not only was it a reminder of how wonderful God is, but it was a reminder that He is working all over the world. bringing people together, speaking all languages. shortly before this trip, i had also found out that i was moving back to Juneau. It’s a long story, but the Lord presented me with the opportunity to work at UAS. I looked at my bank account, and panicked. i then realized i needed a place to live. but i knew that if it was Spiritual, He would absolutely provide. and He has. in all of this, i've learned what it means to die to self. which was solidified when applying for a peace corps position in october to go to africa in august for two years. i interviewed, was offered a position, and then God straight up told me no. killing something that had been in my flesh for twelve years was a tough pill to swallow. i kept looking for ways to work around His sovereignty but all things pointed back to no. my underlying drive for peace corps was to seek glory from man, tricking myself into thinking that i was doing it for Jesus. He has something totally rad planned and is continuously strengthening me as He brings people in and out of my life to disciple. strengthening me for what roads lie ahead. this summer i was praying to my Intercessor, asking Him to remove my capability to love and He was like: "Allie. How would you feel if I stopped loving you every time you sinned and offended me?" alright, good point. i actually went into my exchange to UAS with the intention of not opening up to anyone or developing meaningful relationships for fear of being hurt. well, i did open up. and i did get hurt. but i'm so glad. God orchestrated it all; those people came in and out of my life to bring me closer to Him. i'm thankful for each one of them. and even more thankful for the humans i have solid relationships with from my exchange. i've learned that His love for us fuels our love of others, the result of God in us. it's a result of Jesus’ love for us. my drive to be there for people isn’t to bring glory to myself but rather to the one who is Creator. a servant’s heart is one of humility and selflessness-not seeking anything in return. if our lives are devoted to the cause of humanity, of course we’ll be defeated. but if we are motivated by our love for God, we will be successful. His gratitude is the only gratitude we need. a misconception in our world seems to be that the Christian culture does not struggle. i'm going to let you in on a secret: we absolutely do. in the moment, conviction feels horrible. you want to curl up and run away. not confess anything--to Jesus or your peers. ephesians 5:12 - 14 says: “for it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. but when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. therefore it says, “awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” there are things i don’t bring forth to Jesus in prayer because i am afraid of that conviction (even though i know something beautiful will come of it). i instead keep to myself and let my unconfessed sin and issues create a barrier between Him and i. but guess what? rather than hide in shame as a result of my sinful nature, it all needs to be brought to the light. idolizing the guilt of past and current sin is not what Jesus died for. no, He died so that we may be new creatures in Him. so i dare to live as a forgiven woman. i am able to draw closer to Jesus and be free from my chains. i can see this internally and externally as His Spirit has empowered me to forgive myself and others. so you guys. if you didn’t know, God is rad. He has all of our stories written. He’s the Author, not us. because of what Jesus did for me at calvary, I am able to experience a new life in Christ Jesus. one of peace, wholeness, and absolute beauty. i pray that you too open up your heart and strike up a conversation with Him. really listen to what He is telling you and just how much YOU are loved by the Beloved. i dare you to enter a love story with Him 💗 xoxo -A