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obedient is defined by merriam-webster as submissive to the restraint or command of authority : willing to obey. i remember being at a store with my mom wanting a pair of pajamas that came with a stuffed animal--and let's be honest, what four year old wants new pajamas? i was all about the stuffed animal. mom is holding me as we're standing in line and the cashier rings up my pjs. they proved to be too expensive. mom told me i couldn't get them anymore. so naturally, at my bratty age, i was PISSED. i wanted that stuffed animal. as a result, i threw an obnoxious tantrum. drawing unnecessary attention to my mother and i. the next part is a bit more hazy for me, but according to my mother, i then proceeded to slap her right across the face in front of the cashier. she scolded me and told me to never hit her again. so what did i do? my little arm came back up, i opened up my hand, and forcefully slapped the cheek of Tamara. my punishment: sit in our vacation cabin alone in the midst of a tornado warning while everyone else was together in the bar. like, branches were coming off of trees and the waves on the lake were insane. i was terrified, but learned my lesson. when we are told we can't have something we desire, the world that seems to revolve around us does not make any sense. reality seems to be turned upside down. as a result, we may lash out and harbor bitterness in our hearts. here's a story of my most recent experience with denial and obedience: imagine an awkward middle school allie: age 12, carrying around a guitar purse, wearing a shirt that says 'i'd rather be with my dog' matched with plaid bermuda shorts and plaid shoes stained with blood from a hamster bite. as if all that wasn't bad enough, i managed to place nearly last in every cross country meet, didn't understand how my body worked, and had one of the most awkward personalities (which i still have, but i've learned to embrace it). the awkward and fearless girl in plaid always saw herself as a peace corps volunteer by the time she was 25. that was and still is her desire. at the age of 23, i went for it, because YOLO. october 14, 2016 i turned in an application for a 27 month position as a secondary education teacher in mozambique, africa. i would be teaching math in portuguese starting august 28, 2017. on december 19, i interviewed for the position. on january 20 i was OFFERED the position. the only thing standing between me and africa was an email and a lot of paperwork. oh, and God. the week prior to my interview, i sat down and had a serious heart to heart with God. i listed the reasons i wanted to go. the pros and the cons:
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the two cons that kept coming up were a desire for escape and seeking validation in man rather than the Lord. ultimately, did my desire to serve in the peace corps stem from wanting to bring glory to the Kingdom or bring glory to myself? answer: bring glory to myself. i want(ed) to prove a point to those who have always told me i wasn't strong enough to go: physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. the reasoning changed over the years as i matured in my faith. i now want to bring Him glory in all things i do. peace corps would provide me with the opportunity to serve in a non-traditional way; defying the stereotypical christian missionary. the idea of being a labeled missionary made me want to throw up and then eat it (sorry, Lord). peace corps is a 'secular' organization, but it still does so much good. individuals are serving. i read so many blogs from christian and non-christian volunteers. blogs that only fueled my desire. i was amped on excitement and coffee as i fervently prayed. the Spirit then lead me to Luke 11:33-36:
"No one after lighting a lamp puts it in a cellar or under a basket, but on a stand, so that those who enter may see the light. Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eye is healthy, your whole body is full of light, but when it is bad, your body is full of darkness. Therefore be careful lest the light in you be darkness. If then your whole body is full of light, having no part dark, it will be wholly bright, as when a lamp with its rays give you light." [gotta love those parables] what i gleamed from this is that the Lord's wisdom will exceed the greatest of human wisdom. the peace corps is spectacular. it is absolutely compelling. He then asked, <<do you see the peace corps for what it is?>> um. what? of course i do! i would be putting my life on hold state-side and serving You for 27 months in ninety degree weather. i can love. i can be a light. i can grow and strengthen my relationship with You. i don't know what else You'd want from me. <<obedience>> ugh, what? i am being obedient. YOU CALL US TO SERVE. confused by what i was being told, i sat and prayed a lot more. referring back to Luke time and time again. i began to fully understand that Jesus is the lamp that must not be hidden or missed. He sees a situation for what it really is. therefore be careful lest the light in you be darkness. there are many bright things in the world that can keep us from seeing the true light of Christ. i need to be careful as to what i regard as bright and attractive. if it is not of Christ, i could be filled with darkness regardless of how grandiose something may seem. i cried out to the Lord asking Him to open the eyes of my heart to see the greatness of His power, to heal my blindness. His greatness is EVERYWHERE and is working in ALL places. so of course, it is working in peace corps. why is He denying me of that? i found myself consistently asking Him: where do i fit in to Your plan to be light internationally? i want to serve You. is it service in a secular organization or a traditional missions field? how can i bring You glory? where can i bring You glory? is the peace corps really just a candle and not the sun--something magnificent and compelling in this specific moment because i want to do more? <radio silence> this was the moment in which my stomach became knotted, my heart heavy, and my eyes watery. there is no way He would deny me of something that has been on my heart for TWELVE years. but then again, He is sovereign. so, of course He could. i have been putting off telling peace corps no. maybe, just maybe, i can convince God to change His mind because i am definitely not ready to change my mind; my flesh is not ready to surrender this desire. i look up to Him in the sky, shaking my fists, and shouting: "YES! I AM GOING, YOU STINKER. I AM STRONG ENOUGH. I AM BRAVE ENOUGH." i am the defiant, out of line four year old fighting with her parent for what she wants. tear stained cheeks and unwilling to give up. unwilling to give in to the better way. the tornado then hits. He tells me no through more scripture and varying circumstances. i was reading corrie ten boom's tramp for the lord. at one point, she mentions how we can so often set our minds on some one thing that we think will make us happy: a husband, a particular job, or even a ministry. as a result, we refuse to open our eyes to God's better way. my flesh is ready for change. while i may not understand why God is telling me no, i do want to wait for the change that will undoubtedly be His better way. not Allie's better way. i want to be obedient to what He has shown me and trust that He will present change when it is time. until then, i will (attempt to) walk in stride with the Lord rather than sprint ahead. as i continue to press into His heart, He will bless and reveal His eternal purpose. this means that i will compose an email politely declining my invitation to become part of a nation-wide organization (even though my heart hurts). i will fervently pray about the path He has laid out for me. which right now, i whole heartedly believe is being a missionary through an organization called new tribes. new tribes sends missionaries to unreached tribal groups throughout the world. there are 6,500 people groups. and 2,500 of them have no exposure to the Gospel. missionaries learn the language and work to understand the varying cultures in order to effectively plant churches, empower women and children, and witness. the idea of being a missionary that initially seemed nauseating to me, now fills my heart with joy. the question now weighing on my heart is: when? stay tuned. xoxo -A