mother's day.
a classic hallmark holiday that started in the early 1900s. another day to buy overpriced hallmark cards which pair nicely with thorny roses that the next door neighbor also received. a holiday in which breakfast in bed is expected as well as morning snuggles and happiness for the mother figures in our lives. a day to post on social media how much we love our mom's (which i am absolutely guilty of). but personally, i believe that these incredibly strong women should be celebrated every day and not solely on the day recognized by the government. she should receive breakfast in bed on a random tuesday morning and snuggles on a wednesday. she should be told how loved and appreciated she is daily.
of course, that's not a reality in today's society. society's reality is one of which it is acceptable to hold on to a grudge. a grudge rooted from our own ego and pride. the result is that we then go a day without talking to a parent which can easily turn into months: avoiding family functions and screening phone calls. almost as if doing so will teach them a lesson.
for three years i held on to an unhealthy grudge towards my mom. a grudge that hardened my heart and broke my mom's.
in 2012 mom's mental health took a turn for the worse: suicidal thoughts were developing, sleep patterns were irregular, she was
temperamental, and her thinking became self-centered. she wasn't the mom i had known the past nineteen years. this wasn't the mom who spent hours developing prints with me in the dark room or the mom who would wipe away my tears after a rough day at school. not the mom who would pull me out of school to go sledding or eat an ice-cream cone with me as we sat on the curb.
no, this was someone totally new. a stranger. we got into countless arguments as i tried talking about how her behavior was affecting me. i told her that she wasn't there for me. my sister and i were not her priority. she needed to change. jealousy consumed me as i watched healthy mother-daughter/son relationships thrive. why couldn't i have that. i was angry. i was hurt. i was frustrated. i was disappointed. i was confused. things such as, 'i love you mom' were said out of habit. i made the mother's day card out of obligation. i rolled my eyes every time she tried telling me something. to numb the pain, i chose to ignore what was going on around me. i chose to ignore her. to not let her in. i chose to simply occupy space in her presence but nothing more.
as if it would some how make me happier, i was hurting my mom in all of this. the summer of 2015 i began to pray more fervently for a miracle that i deemed to be impossible. i prayed for God to change mom's heart. when my prayers would go unanswered, i became defeated. (newsflash: i am unable to control the rate at which God works).
we took a road trip together to seattle that summer and i saw it as an opportunity for redemption. i thought to myself, YOU FINALLY HEARD ME! the Lord was totally working during that trip, bringing things to the light. our relationship started to feel normal again. i could talk to her about boys, my faith, my dreams, and my heart. mom also began to open up and share more of her heart with me. she made herself vulnerable as she talked about her mental illness and how she had no control over the things that were happening. i thought to myself, "of course you have control over your actions. you had to have known what we were going through but you chose to ignore it and prioritize yourself. again." essentially, the conversation wasn't going how i wanted it to go so i shut her out and became disengaged. she focused on herself and not me. i was not only frustrated with her, but i was frustrated with myself. how could i have let my heart grow so callous? how could i let darkness take root? how could i have been so self-centered? [of course my pride prevented me from talking about this with her at the time]
after that trip, my prayers took a different direction. rather than pray for a change in mom's heart, i prayed for Him to change my heart. i prayed for a miracle. i prayed for redemption. it took about eight months of praying. in that time, He continued to reveal to me the ways in which i was being selfish as i would respond to her in anger rather than a gentle tongue. He showed me the lack of truth behind my routine actions: maintenance hugs, phone calls, ice-cream dates, etc. i was continually reminded that mom is perfect because she was made in His perfect image.
one night in april of 2016 i prayed a little harder than i had before. i felt broken. tears rolled down my face as i prayed to have freedom in our relationship. i prayed that my heart could be like His, that i could love the way He loves. i didn't want to be angry or frustrated. i wanted my heart to be happy as i laughed with mom. i wanted to truly forgive her and to feel lighter in my spirit.
i don't know how to explain the feeling or how i knew, but when i woke up the next morning, my spirit was lighter.
I WAS FREE from my chains. JESUS HEALED MY HEART.
i immediately got ahold of mom to tell her what had happened. i apologized for my behavior. and for the first time in years, i felt the truth behind the words "i love you."
the past year has definitely had its challenges as mom still struggles with depression but He has made Himself known in each of those situations as He answers prayers.
i could not be more proud to be her daughter. mom has boldly stepped forward to admit that she does have a mental illness as she breaks the negative stigma it has in our family and society as she openly talks about her struggles. i owe my smile to her as hers is much more contagious and full of life.
she loves so easily and gives so selflessly. her spirit is one of adventure, compassion, and beauty. she sacrificed her life so that stephanie and i may have more than she did. she carried me in her womb for nine months and then carried my sister for another nine. mom has encouraged me in my adventures that others deem to be irresponsible and impractical. she radiates His love. she gives out hugs when i need them and can recognize when i'm about to break down over the phone hundreds of miles away. she's changed my diapers and has changed my outlook on life. she is a living example of strength. my relationship with her is a testimony to God's restorative power.
reader, if you are holding on to a grudge, i encourage you to seek healing. we are called to love one another and forgive trespasses. don't let your heart grow calloused. rather than shy away in defeat, continue to fight for restoration. He will bring it. He will make His power known.