my relationship with trust has been a bloody battle. a battle in which fiery darts blaze through the air. some of which penetrate my heart while the others whistle by. it's a battle which requires perseverance, and the Lord. in my current battle, this little sheep has gone rogue, trying to go through things without Him, even though i know how sweet the fruit of His spirit is, how comforting His provision is, and how gracious His heart is. ultimately, my flesh and spirit are at odds with one another.
poison has been seeping through my flesh and things seem more toxic than they have ever been. with an upcoming missions trip to nicaragua, college ministry moving forward, and direction in my personal life, it all makes sense. as i continue to take steps of faith, the enemy will attack me--in both familiar and unfamiliar ways. this time around, he has attacked me in all areas of my life. he has made sin more enticing than it has been before; drunk off the world, i have been stumbling left and right, ignoring the discernment the Holy Spirit has given me.
in those moments that shame washes over me and i am hitting my head against a wall telling myself that i should have listened to that pull in my heart. instead of dwelling, i pray and repent. but then shortly after, the enemy sneaks up behind me and gets his slimy hands on my little heart. encouraging me to find reason to place blame on others, to be angry and judgmental. he speaks to my inner pharisee, and puts me on a pedestal as i look downward at the peasants beneath me, shaking my head at their mistakes and lack of integrity.
while queen allie, her majesty the queen, her royal highness, and the honourable allie all have a great ring to them, i am in no place to deem an individual a peasant or judge their integrity. in my current state, i'm quite certain that i myself could not identify as a person of integrity. but do i strive for it and seek it in Jesus? absofreakinglutely.
i want and need to put my sin to death: slam it against a brick wall, kick it in the balls, and choke it. i need to do this multiple times in a day because it resurfaces. it's not a one and done thing. it wants to live; it's parasitic and fighting to live in me. the enemy, though, takes advantage of those weak, exhaustive, and vulnerable moments. the ones in which i am typically more prone to following his lead instead of Jesus'.
"put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetoussness, which is idolatry. on account of these the wrath of God is coming. in these you too once walked, when you were living in them. but now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the 'new self', which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator...put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. and above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. and let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts..." -colossians 3:5-10, 3:12-13
let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.
let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.
let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.
dude. this battle is freaking exhausting -- emotionally, physically, and spiritually. so then why battle at all? wouldn't it be easier to just give in to the desires of my flesh? yeah, i'm sure. but life would be more complicated and i'd for sure be unhappy. i've been there, done that. no way do i want to go back to living my life without Jesus. it was dark, demonic, cold, and miserable. it was filled with the hopes of the world rather than the hopes of the Kingdom. there was no peace ruling in my heart.
putting trust in man was (and is) more tiring and discouraging. it has resulted in nothing but chaos. putting trust in Jesus and saying yes to Him has been the best thing ever. He has brought color; He has promised eternity; He is alongside me fighting these battles; He has breathed life into the dark creepy corners of my heart. if i could look inward at my spirit, i'm sure i would find it bloody, covered in dirt, and drenched in sweat. i may feel defeat, but rather than be bogged down by it, i am challenged to look for the victories. and tbh, i have victory. we have victory. in Christ: the mvp of our salvation. we're not alone by any means. we can put our trust in Him! Jesus is our great intercessor, listening to our cries and crying alongside us. He rejoices when we rejoice! He allows trials to happen so that we may grow and understand Him more. we can trust that He will not give us more than we are capable of; His Spirit is constantly at work in us, shaping us to be more like Him. the trials, moments of distrust, and stumbles with the Lord should be used as catalysts to expand and increase your faith: pray more fervently, seek fellowship, and ask questions. the victories should be used to spark the flame in your heart and raise praise to our King! lean on Him and let His peace rule in your hearts <3
xoxo
-A
**only one more week until nicaragua! i am still praying that my heart is right with the Lord before going out. and hoping you can pray the same. that my focus is on Him, and not the chaos around me (or what seems to be chaos). i want to be in step with His desire for this trip, rather than my own. i am praying against my own pride and preconceived notions of what the trip could look like. as He continues to pave the way for us, may we remember that His plan is much better than what our idea of it is. it may be ambiguous for us, but for Him, it is so clear. i am so excited to see what He does! i'm also hoping to raise more money as i venture out. money will go towards airfare, lodging, transportation, additional supplies we may need while down there, etc. total trip cost is about $1600 but i'm asking for help in raising $500. you can donate at my GoFundMe page: https://www.gofundme.com/tjcsq8-nicaragua