hello!
the past few months, i have been M.I.A. from the realm of writing. you last heard from me as i was preparing for an exotic trip to nicaragua. like many of my international travels, it was an adventure that i have no idea how to chronicle. though, i can say that i have a draft sitting in my box that i keep going back to, waiting for it to be perfect. but in the mean time, i would like to share a bit of what is going on at the core of my being:
i am standing in the corner of a boxing ring geared up with a mouth guard and boxing gloves. i'm drenched in sweat as i boldly stare my opponent in the face, set on winning the match. my heart is racing as my attention turns to my coach: "you've just got to be one step ahead of Him." i nod in agreement as my flesh gives me a pep talk. the bell goes off. i take a step forward, nearly stumbling in my tracks. i throw a punch, which He obviously dodges. Jesus throws a punch, effectively bruising my prideful heart. i get grounded in a fight stance once again and go in for a second punch. to no surprise, He ducks to the right and His mighty hand comes at me again, painfully transforming my heart. after weeks of fighting, He holds me in a clinch. lovingly, He tells me to surrender and give up the fight against Him. however, classic me: i remain determined to win the match. but how do i move forward from here: take a step back from Him to regroup and create a new strategy or do i try to punch out, running the risk of being knocked down by Him? the reality is that no matter my decision, i am not going to win a fight against God.
the thing with all of this that blows my mind is how for months i can be on this trippy spiritual high, like on mission in nicaragua, while at other times, i get so absolutely frustrated in my walk. and i obnoxiously get self-centered with it, making it all about me rather than God. i should be sparring my emotions instead of the Lord. He is the one in the corner massaging my shoulders and coaching me; not my flesh. my mouth guard should be prayer while my gloves should be His hands and feet as Jesus intercedes for me in this fight. instead though, i am choosing to be in fight mode against Him. at this point, i think that God is simply humoring me. like, really, i do not stand a chance. i know how fruitful acting on that conviction can be but i don't want to give up. i'd rather run the risk of being a steamy pile of fleshy trash because it's easier.
if i'm being honest, my heart has hardened towards Him and is refusing to let Him in. subconsciously, i think that i allowed a wall to be built between Jesus and i because of the inward rush of past pain resurfacing. pain that has brought up emotions that i've been repressing for a while. like, in a way mega warped way, i'm essentially punishing myself. it's stupid and selfish because JESUS DIED FOR ME. God sent His only son so that i may be free and have eternal life!
He is so clearly calling me out to a place of healing. i am quite certain that being unable to fully fathom things of the past was simply to protect me, to ensure that i would remain spiritually minded in those moments. and now, i'm in a season where the Holy Spirit has convicted me to face the big 'e' word head on, to ensure that new life can grow! He is challenging me to take a step forward and deepen my relationship. i know that the Holy Spirit will provide rest and peace. my brokenness can only glorify Him as divine restoration takes place.
like anything, it'll take time and fervent prayer to not be in a funky spiritual funk. i am very confident that He is working on my stubbornness through His demolition plan for my sinful heart. i'm getting exhausted from fighting Him and know that i will soon, once again, be fighting with Him. i am also quite confident that i am not the only one battling this. so my question for YOU is: how much longer are you going to be in that boxing ring defending parts of yourself that He is telling you to let go of?
**cue gracefully broken: