i recently had a birthday and turned 31. it feels a little bit weird to have a full year in a new decade under my belt. it's maybe even a little bit scary because life continues to look way different than i would have imagined. for me, birthdays are my new year equivalent. a time to look on and reflect on what the last year brought: the highs, the lows, the dreams, the fears. a time to set new intentions for myself and healthy practices.
if i'm being honest, this year was filled with more hardship than i would have liked. i would even go as far as to say that it has been one of the toughest years i've experienced. but through that hardship, there has been immense growth and transformation. it was a year of leaning into boundaries, better understanding how joy can occupy the same space as grief, and creating room for God to show up in the unexpected.
the question that 30 year has left me with is:
"am i worth relationship?"
it's a question fed by a lifetime of abandonment and affirmed by the relational loss i experienced this last year. from friends no longer having capacity for me to losing relationship with partner organizations to death to heartache. to add to that, i have felt a silence from God like none other (a dark night of my soul). not hearing from God in the vibrant beautiful ways i have before, has even lead me to ask God if i'm worth relationship with Him.
i feel like i am standing in a relational ghost town.
my head can very quickly answer "yes, i'm worth it" but my heart is reluctant to believe that. friends and family can tell me "i love you" but i'm unwilling to fully believe it. inevitably, they too will one day walk away from me. the day will come when they realize i'm too much and simultaneously not enough. to protect my heart from further hurt, my inclination is to sabotage the healthy relationships around me to prove the point that i'm not worth their love.
(i fully recognize that this is not healthy)
but despite all of this, i have (begrudgingly) felt challenged by the Holy Spirit to look back on the year and reflect on the relationships that were lost and see them in a positive light. it is ok to grieve them. and while the loss is painful, each of them has brought beautiful gifts to my life (professionally and personally).
i've learned how important it is for the women i work with to have a weekend getaway where they are pampered. i have learned that despite heartbreak, my heart still fully loves and shows up in relationship. i have learned how truly beautiful grace is. i've learned that i am worth advocating for. i have learned that those who love me, will fight for me. i have learned that my emotions are beautiful, as they reflect the heart of God. i have learned how beautiful the brokenness is because those are the spaces God wants to meet us most and will meet us.
it's quite empowering.
so, what felt like a year from h - e - double hockey sticks (ok, hell) has actually been one of the most pivotal years of my life when it comes to learning about myself. i've realized the importance of leaning into all the facets of my personality that God has created and not be afraid of them because, well, that's dishonoring to Him -- the Guy who created me.
(i still have questions but that's for another time)
after a tough couple of weeks of wrestling, i feel like i've finally come to a place where i don't have to be afraid of the leadership giftings God has given me. i don't have to be afraid of being a strong woman. i don't have to be afraid of ministry. i don't have to be afraid of the intensity of emotions. i don't have to be afraid of relationships. i don't have to be afraid of boundaries. i don't have to be afraid of love. i don't have to be afraid of my heart.
i can trust my discernment. i am worth relationship.
as daisy from the bachelor said, grief is love's souvenir. what if, grief is actually Love's souvenir? a gift from God to remind us of the fun, laughter, beauty, and joy that existed in those relationships that have died. it all has purpose.
the question that 31 is prompting me to ask is:
"is this relationship worthy of me?"
what a liberating question to be able to ask myself in relationships moving forward into a new year.
on a more fun note, 30 included taylor swift concerts, baseball games, candlelight concerts, lots of time in the mountains and near water, meeting my niece, weddings, a promotion, laughter, spa days, a yung gravy concert, museums, travel, road trips, walks to the ducks, tattoos, becoming a brunette, and making new friends. even though it was hard year, there was still so much good. i have much to be grateful for.
i rolled into 31 with a day in seward and a trip to the nordic spa and good food and laughter, all with people i love dearly. i'm truly looking forward to what else the year has in store.
so for this next year, t h i r t y - o n e , a few of my personal dreams/intentions/goals are:
survive the gold nugget triathlon (please pray for me lol)
lower my cortisol levels
take classes for nutrition certification coaching
be able to do the splits
pay off my credit card (...)
go to costa rica
walk in confidence with the Lord
i think they're all attainable but we'll see. cheers to 31 -- or should i say, thirty fun?
xoxo
-A
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