summer has been a long ridge hike: exhausting, full of ups & downs. my feet are blistered, my quads are screaming, and my lips are chapped. but along the way, there are breathtaking moments that leave me trying to fathom the depth of beauty and creativity that surrounds me. i was made by the same Creator of the mountains and alpine lakes around me. i feel small, even humbled.
looking ahead can be daunting; the journey is far from over and who knows what lies ahead. i am weary and i want to collapse into the earth beneath my feet. in my heart, though, i know how important each step forward is because new vision is waiting. this beautiful ridge is set before me, and it's mine to run. (well, walk)
i pause for a Water break and eat my cheese stick. the sustenance that comes from both is incredible. birds are chirping, streams are running, and the wildflowers are in bloom. with a happy heart, i continue to beep bop along the way. i meander up a little hill and pause to grab a quirky little daisy blooming from the ground. i tuck this favorite flower of mine it into my pocket. a reminder of this little journey of mine.
before i take my next step, i am instantly hit with a fiery dart. woah. yikes. ouch. another one comes. and before i know it, they are flying at me left and right. i quickly pull one of my arm and notice that my name is engraved on its shaft. these darts have been carefully crafted and designed specifically for me. each is aimed to attack my integrity, character, and work ethic. the blows leave me wounded; my insecurities begin to bleed out.
covered in miry self loathing, i try to assess the attack. to my luck, i can't make out where these darts are coming from but something in my spirit tells me i know my attackers. they are people who once were friends, partners in ministry, allies, and confidants. brothers and sisters.
my heart sinks: they have been taken captive to do the dirty work of the accuser, the god of this age, the evil one.
everything in my flesh wants to charge at them with my pocket knife. to inflict the pain on them they have inflicted on me. to defame them, uncover their secrets, and worse. instead, the Holy Spirit gently whispers to my heart: It is mine to avenge; I will repay.
He goes on to say,
“Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
i respond by asking if His wrath looks like extraditing them to a remote village where they can only wear the itchiest wool undergarments, sweaters, and pants. and in that village, they’re also only able to eat dog food and drink strawberry milk. for work, they must match socks and fold fitted sheets. the only pet they can have is a worm. if not, then i don't want to continue on.
the eery but comforting silence tells me that, despite my fear, i am to press on and ignore the archers attacking me. it also tells me that i don't have the "privilege" to see what His wrath looks like in their lives. what i do know, though, is that it is a wrath to fear. that's enough for me.
if i give up, give into the fear, or wait around to see what happens, i am giving victory to the enemy -- to my enemies. there is no point. that would only keep me bound in the chains that prevent me from fully walking in the identity i have been gifted with. its shackles would keep me restrained from the calling on my life. the last thing i want to do is become a prisoner. there is no point in giving life to the flames flying at me; they'll only derail me from my mission. they can be annoying, but annihilating.
i take a deep breath, prayer remedies my wounds. with trembling hands, i set the fear aside. i search for anything that will shield me for the rest of my journey. i douse my new shield of faith in Water with hopes of extinguishing the fiery darts that are yet to come, and i propel myself forward.
i want to glance back at what's behind me, to make sure i'm ok. but truthfully, i don't want to risk ending up like lot's wife after she looked back at sodom...
all i can do is trust God. in setting my fear aside, i have created space not only for God's wrath to exist but an even greater space for His mercy, grace, and love to show up. my insecurities have no power here. it's a space that allows me to pray for those who have wronged me. this changes my heart. perhaps i would be ok sharing my bowl of mashed potatoes, popcorn, and ice-cream over a gin and tonic with the ones firing darts at me. one biblical scholar says, “we can destroy our enemy by making him our friend.”
so if you are one of my three enemies, i owe it to you to allow room for you to be my friend. even if it makes all of our stomachs turn. for those of you who have your own enemies, invite them into that same space. it will be awkward. it will be painful. it will take time. i believe the greatest victory is leaving a door open for repentance and reconciliation.
and if i'm your enemy, well... this is incredibly awkward.
-a
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