it’s 6:15 am. i feel small. i am surrounded by birch trees. the ground is once again covered in white powder (in may). snow falls from the sky, landing on my eyelashes. a duck couple crosses in front of me. not a care in the world. each little waddle leads them to the cute pond around the corner. but for me, each step leads me further from the problems inundating our world. my friends’ world. my family’s world. my world.
poverty. broken relationships. slavery. anxiety. cancer. division. drugs. war. pride. secrets. loneliness.
my breath becomes more shallow as my spotify flips to the next song. i increase my pace, trying to escape the thoughts that kept me awake at night. as my muscles loosen, my insides tighten. i’m on the verge of tears but the only liquid coming out of me is sweat. i feel a blister forming and breaking on my right heel. i mutter “fuck”.
out of frustration, i turn around to head home. my run becomes a walk. i can’t even focus on my music anymore. i turn it off and dialogue with God. “lately, i feel as if i’ve had a lot of bad days. what’s that about? am i doing the right thing? is this where i’m supposed to be?”. what spews from my mouth are the usual questions that imply 'hey, i doubt the plan YOU have for me.'
silence. i stop (partly because i think i’m going to throw up). as i'm spitting like a llama, i look around. everything around me is still. the only thing that can be heard is my panting. i’m in awe of the nature around me. of God’s design. from the white birch bark to the little snowflakes to the stream to the bird that flies from her branch. a biker’s bell and neon jacket brings me back to reality.
i get home and hop in the shower. the warm water is a nice break from the cold and earl grey is yowling at me through the door. i make myself some oatmeal and sit in front of my window. watching the snow fall. bringing myself back to the serene moment hours before.
i still feel the heaviness. but i don’t have to feel it 24/7. i am gifted with still moments in my day. i’m not in control; i need to let go of the weight i’m carrying. it’s not mine to carry nor is it making me stronger. it’s crippling me. prayerfully laying it at the foot of the cross is the best thing i can do for myself. for my family. for my friends.
[[if i pick it up again, i am to lay it back down.]]
typically, each day i find something to be joyful about. something to laugh about. something to celebrate.
to be honest, the last few weeks i’ve neglected that (except the handful of days i’ve had ice cream or popcorn). the challenge for myself is to see the good in the days ahead — even if there are hard parts to them. no matter how trivial the good may seem.
a duck couple. the stillness of a morning. a good cup of coffee. a bad joke. a bowl of ice cream with popcorn sprinkled on top. a drive to the valley. a day at the spa. a cozy cup of tea or a crispy ipa.
[[to keep myself accountable, i'll report back in one week as to what that looked like for me]]
our days, my days, are made up of little kaleidoscope moments. bad and good. but in the end, they create a beautiful image. His yoke is easy and His burden is light.
xoxo
-A
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