airports. they’re such a weird place to pass time. thoughts race through my mind, skin cells dry up, and germs are passed through the air. couples bicker, kids scream, tsa gets yelled at, and i hope no eyes land on me: a girl fighting back tears as she waits to board the plane.
anxiety. it’s a crippling feeling. accelerated heart rate, constant sense of unease, and clammy hands. fighting back nausea as i feel sleep deprived and every fiber in my body feeling defeated from the week.
mentally i think i’m strong but then the emotional dam between the outside world and my tear ducts starts to break. i feel the build up of water ready to start the next great flood. a tangible representation of my weakness. I quickly beeline for boarding and take my seat. before I know it, i’m asleep; avoiding the confrontation of reality.
a confrontation that brings out years of shame and disappointment. i’m a little too familiar with it. I know the enemy knows my weaknesses; I know the route to get to the battle. the question is: do i walk the path in the armor of God or in my flesh? the answer is: both. well, i am to walk in the armor but i don’t always, that’s when things become dangerous. i’ve won the battle before and know how victory feels. and, I have lost the fight countless times. the occasional personal victory does not equate a life time of freedom.
a life time of freedom is found in Christ, in His grace. an astounding sense of love and forgiveness. that doesn’t mean the Lord won’t rebuke us nor does it mean we can live without consequence. that gentle (or harsh) rebuke should lead to conviction and with time, a changed heart.
a little too often i resist His grace. i wallow in the slime that surrounds me and share camp with the leeches. i feel so unworthy. like...why would HE CHOOSE ME?! (i just envisioned God as a pokémon trainer...)
i have a hard time understanding the depths of God’s love. for a while i was getting frustrated by it. i’ve learned to not question it anymore and simply continue to put my trust in Love. the more i do, the more i understand His character. He shows himself faithful time and time again. He turns the slime to green pastures and leeches to quiet streams. when my emotional roller coaster comes to a screeching hault, the peace of the Lord comes in like a fresh gust of wind. i can breathe.
“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7
despite anxiety, despite sin, and despite all other things, at the end of the day, God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. there is such joy in knowing, believing, that.
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